Thursday, September 29, 2011

Where I'm at...

So, yoga class last night was great and not so great. I would've loved it if I wasn't feeling like crap. I know, that doesn't sound very yogic...but I am so tired of being sick. I am trying today to be content even in my sick state. I am giving gratitude for having a body to be sick, it means that I am alive and have a chance to be better.

We had the second half of our gratitude seminar during last nights class. Jim Merhaut taught it. He is/was wonderful. There was so much said that rang true with me. But, and this sounds gross, I literally felt like I had constipation of the mouth. I was dying to say something but felt if I did, I would start crying or blush. I was feeling very unsure of myself last night, possibly due to my illness but also because he was talking about bathing as a ritual. The example that he used was of an elderly lady who was about to die and all I could think of was my grandmother, sitting in her hospital chair wanting her bath. I wish I had those moments back. I was not ready to deal with her death. I miss her and love her dearly.

Baron Baptiste says in Journey Into Power that "letting go is not when life is over. It is when life really begins." My grandmother knew this and let go gracefully. I can't wait to "let go." No, I'm not contemplating suicide! Letting go can mean a multitude of things. And I mean a multitude of things when I say that I can't wait to let go. But, apparently you can't force it. I guess I'll put my crowbar away. (Joke)

I am so grateful, honestly, for the teacher training class and all the women in the class. I love people, always have, and with people I trust I can be myself but that circle is very small. I think this class is exactly what the doctor ordered. These women are great and even if they were mean and judgey, like it says in Journey Into Power again, "it doesn't matter if people love you in that moment; you love them. It doesn't matter if people understand you; you understand them. And if they do not forgive you, you forgive them." This is such a powerful statement, it makes me want to cry!

I love people...I guess I just need to love myself more and then I will be able to love people even more.

Thank you to yoga, Marianne for creating this studio and deciding to do this training, Melissa and Shannon for being awesome people and teachers, and all of the girls in the class for being funny, smart, beautiful and non-judgey type people in general. Hearts.

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